A Big Change

I have made a decision that I am ready for some change, besides the changes I have made in myself. Keith asked me (and the kids of course) to move. At first, I thought there is no way. The more he asked me to move, the more I considered it. The more I spent time with him, the more I realized I want to be with him. So the past two days I have been searching for jobs in his area. Surprisingly there are a lot of job openings up north, I have probably submitted my resume or an application to around 20 places. I had a phone interview today for a teller position at a bank. I have a second phone interview with this bank on Tuesday. I am just ready to move on and get a fresh start, away from all the drama and bullshit.

Now it is not like I am packing up and moving tomorrow. I have to get a job before I can move up there. Then once I get a job, we have to find an apartment etc. I am really excited about the possibilities. So here is to the future.

Let me get on my soapbox

So as of today, I have no job. Like every other person out there I have the every day bills to take care of and the expenses of having two small children. I also have about 10,000 dollars in medical bills from when I was sick last month.

As soon as I walked out of the door of my job, I went straight to our local family services office. I took them a statement from my boss saying I was no longer employed, to see about getting Medicaid so I could maybe get some help with these hospital bills that I can in no way afford.  Come to find out that even with out a job, I still make too much money to qualify for Medicaid assistance. Too much money??!!! Not to put all my business out there, but I get around $400 a month from my ex in child support. That is why I “make too much money”. For a family of three I was told that I was above the federal poverty guidelines. So can someone tell me how in the hell $400 per month is about the poverty line?

What really pisses me off tho is that for the past 7 months I have watched people abuse the system. What do I mean by that? People that have no jobs  and get all the medical care they want, and with that all the drugs they want. I’ve seen people get mass amounts of narcotics, and you know they went out and sold them. You can get state funded Medicaid if you are “disabled” un able to work for a period of a year or more, or you have to be below the poverty level which is 280ish dollars per month  for a family of three. I know there are a lot of people who are truly disabled and need medical care, but there are some people whose disabilty is being addicted to drugs and not being able to function and we just feed their addiction.

I have a fused ankle that hasn’t been treated in over a year and a half. Last time I was treated it wasn’t 100 % healed, but I can’t get treated. I have a problem with ovarian cysts that get to be the size of a golf ball or egg, but guess what? That goes untreated too. I suffer from depression sometimes, it gets treated because I pay cash to see the doctor so I can be a functional member of society.

My previous employer did not have enough employees to be legally obligated to provide health coverage, and I certainly can not afford to purchase health care for myself.  What is wrong with this system that the people who have worked hard and have real problems can not get treatment? I work hard and I have paid my taxes and yet I get nothing but  “sorry to hear about your situation, but we can’t help you”. Oh and do you think the hospital cares that I owe $10,000 to cares that I do not have a job?

So until I find a job that offers health insurance, I am just shit out of luck.

Guess what I care…

Most anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows that I have a huge soft spot for animals, especially the ones who have been hurt or neglected. Granted since moving here I don’t do as much as I would like, but I still care. I was very upset today to find out Bates County doesn’t have an animal shelter. I found this out today after we found a starving tick infested kitten at the park today. It broke my heart, it just wanted food and love. If I didn’t live with my parents, I would have taken it home right then and there. The kids felt bad for it, they knew it needed a home and was starving to death. I made almost 20 phone calls to shelters and vets trying to find someone who could or would take it. No one would take a kitten. Katie was upset, she told me I didn’t try hard enough and tears rolled down from her eyes. It broke my heart to leave that poor kitten at the park, knowing what its fate would be. Also I feel there is a special place in hell for people who dump or abuse animals. If you knew what it does to me to see animals in those situations that can’t be helped, you would be able to see how big my heart is.

Also today I found out that Katie has vitilgo. It is the skin condition that Micheal Jackson “supposedly” had. It is where you lose your skin pigment.  I had taken her to our family doctor today, and he referred us to a dermatologist. Yes, I am poor. My kids are on Medicaid and I do not have any health insurance. We have to see a specialist at Children’s Mercy Hospital in KC, however there is a 2 month wait. I was very upset about the wait. I know her condition isn’t serious or life threatening, but I want a for sure 100 % diagnoses from the specialist so we can start treatment. I got told today that I should be thankful, and I am. But it doesn’t make me a bad parent for wanting to get it taken care of ASAP.  I care about my kids. I would lay down my life for them. And if you even know a fraction of the things they have been thru in their short little lives you certainly wouldn’t try to make me feel bad for complaining about the wait time for the specialist.

And forgive me because I care about the people I love and want to help them when they need it or they are in trouble. Forgive me because I want to be there for the people I care about, forgive me for wanting the same thing in return. I could have been a real bitch to you when you called and told me what happened, but that isn’t me. Well I take that back, I am a bitch now. I am glad this happened because there is someone out there who cares about me, someone who isn’t going to try to make me feel bad because of how I feel or because I care too much. There is someone who will support me and be there for me, and will appreciate me the way I am.

Here was my horoscope today : You may suddenly be struck by the urge to make a move — a big move, too — maybe to be closer to someone dear to you. If you’ve been mulling it over, be sure you’re sure before you sell the ranch. Well lets say that after today, I sold the ranch. And right now I am pretty certain that I had the wrong ranch, and I am kind of glad I realized that now.

Oh and by the way, Karma is a bitch….just sayin’

one year later

I have been in the big city of Butler for right at a year, I can’t believe how quickly it went by. So many things have happened, both good and bad. I feel like I should post the highlights

I now have a great job, one that is a career that can last a lifetime. I have a car, even though it needs some work at the moment. I have made some pretty good friends and re-connected with some old ones. I have lost weight, and gotten healthy. I have fallen in love with the most amazing man, and best of all he loves me back. My kids are ending another school year, and growing up.

I have seen some posts lately where people do nothing but complain about their lives. Talking about how they are tired of being hurt, used or unloved. Everyone gets down, I understand that better than anyone. Hell I have had those moments myself.  I realized tho, you have to love yourself and be proud of yourself. If you want love, you have to be willing to love back. If you don’t want to be used, it might be a good idea to stop using others.  If you want respect, guess what? You have to give it.

I am so glad that I left Memphis. The people I was running around with, minus a few (who are prolly the only ones from Memphis reading this) were really pulling me down. I am proud of myself for making my life better and moving on.

The Slime of the Earth

I am so incredibly happy these days. I am getting healthy, I have a good job, my self-esteem is at an all time high. I even have an amazing man who I…uh..care for an awful lot. I even have a mini vacation planned for this next weekend. The past month or so I have been floating blissfully along enjoying life, it couldn’t be better. Right?

Wrong. It could be better. See I keep getting texts from the most disgusting human being on the face of the planet.Granted at one time, I didn’t feel that way about him, but I realized the truth about his craziness. It is like this man knows when I am  happy, and he intentionally tries to ruin it.  I don’t even answer his messages. I haven’t for a good 6 months. He texts me from these text free apps where his number is always different, so I can’t block it. I do not want anything to do with this man. Its becoming borderline harassment.  I am seriously contemplating calling the police and reporting him. 

If you are reading this, please stop trying to ruin my life. We had something once, we will never have it again. I do not want any part of it and you. Please move on. I did, and I couldn’t be happier.

Isolation

Sometimes I feel like I live on another planet. Well I might as well be, Butler feels so far away from everything and everyone that I want to be around. It is Friday night, and I am alone. I have nothing to do so I am going for a walk. Isn’t that exciting? I know that everyone is jealous. For some reason I feel very insecure today. Anyway I think if I write anymore I will prolly cry because thats how crappy I feel right now, so I am going for my walk and going to bed. good night

Well I have the better end of the deal…..

First of all I have become a scentsy junky…..right now the smells of Lucky in Love are all I can smell, and it’s just a small sample thingy but it is by far my favorite scent. My other favorite scent is Love Story….. not that my scentsy selections are important by any means.

Being in a new relationship, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the past lately. Trying to remember the things that went wrong, the mistakes I made that certainly do not need repeating. I realized that a lot of the mistakes I made were poor choices in men. I chose people who did nothing but tear me down, hurt me, use me and abuse me emotionally. I understand that I made these choices. I had some self-esteem issues, so I thought that was as good as it was going to get. 

I have been making some changes in my life, and I refuse to settle anymore. I am smart, funny, pretty and I am one hell of a catch. I may not have a “perfect” body but I am taking care of myself and losing weight. It is amazing how you start doing these things for yourself  and the better quality of man will come along. And you know what? It is nice to have someone who cares about me, who supports me, who encourages me to do better and to reach my goals. 

Every now and then I hear things from friends, or see things posted on Facebook or in an email and I think ya know I am so much better off.

Seriously I have an addiction to this Lucky in Love…..gonna have to buy some this weekend.

it is a sad day

I have fostered quite a few dogs in my adult life, taking care of some very sick dogs. I have seen dogs that are almost on the brink of death before, and it is always a sad sight. Today it breaks my heart to see Abby like that. She is our family dog who is 12 1/2. She has been ill lately, and my mom and dad took her to the vet Thursday to find out she has heart failure. They gave her medicine to draw the fluid off her heart and lungs so that they could give her medicine to treat her heart. Today she stopped eating. She wouldn’t even eat table food, there was nothing she would eat that we could put her medicine in. My mom tried dissolving her medicine in milk, and she wouldn’t touch it. I finally told mom I would feed her through a syringe. It was an emotionally painful task, she didn’t want it but didn’t have the strength to fight it.

I went to the local farm store, bought a smaller syringe and puppy milk. I bought puppy milk because at least it has more protein and fat than cows milk does. I am hoping that after a few days of forcing her medicine she will feel well enough to start eating on her own.  Having taken care of sick dogs before, I feel like it is my duty to take care of her. 

Some of you might think its silly of me to ask but say your prayers or cross your fingers or whatever that Abby gets better.

kids say the most interesting things

I wanted to share a funny story from the other day, and well it didn’t fit into anything weight loss related so I decided to put it over here.

So yesterday was an interesting day,  a very good-looking guy showed up at my door with flowers wanting to take me and my kids out for a “date”. It was a very kid friendly day, we got taken out to lunch at McDonald’s then we went to the mall where the kids enjoyed the bungee jump, merry-go-round, and play area. I enjoyed some shopping at Old Navy buying them some  new spring clothes. I also enjoyed some shopping at my favorite store for me. We wandered around the mall for a while, and when we got back into his car to head to a movie my son says: You guys are getting married!  Pardon me son? Well you got flowers and you kissed so you are getting married. Ahh the logic of a five-year old.  It was funny and cute, we got a good laugh out of it.

I should explain that flowers are a sweet gesture for a man to give a woman, but if I am getting married there better be a gift that involves white gold and diamonds. Com’on you know that is how it is. Anyway I thought I would share a little of my son’s logic on marriage.

lots of love

Sarah

I have entered the twilight zone

Imagine a world where everything that is happening around you makes no sense…… AT ALL. Welcome to my life the past few days. Seriously nothing makes sense to me anymore. Up is down, down is up, left is right and right is left. I guess that happens when someone cuts your heart out with a spoon…. I will give a dollar to anyone who knows that movie reference. Life goes on tho, and thru all this weirdness I will be a better person. Or at least thats what I tell myself to make it alright. 

Next weekend I’m heading up to KC, hopefully will get to see a dear friend. But most importantly I will be off to work on a set list for this yet to be named band I am front woman for. I have been working my voice everyday and it’s getting stronger, but I still have a lot of work to do to put on shows where I sing for several hours at a time.

I have been avoiding my blog as of late, mainly because I have had ADD with my writing. I start something, start something else go back to something old and start something new….. *sigh* But here are a few things I have been working on:

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Letting you go is hard for me to do. Everytime I close my eyes, I see your face and dream of the love we share. But now it is time for me to move on. Pick up the pieces of my broken heart, and put myself back together again.

But everywhere I go, I am reminded of you. I see your name on a wall, where you once signed your name. It’s there taunting me, every day. I’ve covered it up, but its still there and I know it. My wounds are deep, and they are bleeding still. I wonder if it will ever stop, will it ever heal?  Maybe one day, but I’m still not convinced. ……

Anyway that is all I have on that one….. and its all I can bear to share at this moment.